Hi! I love your blog layout! Hummingbirds are such bad asses (pardon my language) and the gray and green work so beautifully! I flicked through a few of your posts and saw that you were planning to do some work on sirens and mermaids - that's so cool! I wish you the best of luck with that and can't wait to see what you come up with!
Today, I read what you have so far on your storybook and I am very impressed! First of all, I love the layout and design you chose. I think it compliments your theme really well. At the beginning of your story, I was really rawn in. You made the first paragraph mysterious, and almost eerie. It reminded me how I probably would feel if I was sinking deeper and deeper into the ocean, so if that's what you were going for then awesome! The use of rhetorical questions is useful. Your choice of words are really great, I love the description you used of describe not only the ocean, but the mermaids and sirens as well. I already am wanting to know what you are planning on writing next. The one sentence that was separated form the rest stands out and it is really effective to make your point that things have changed. I thought about doing a storybook about mermaids. It seems like you have a really good basis for what the rest of your project is going to look like. Can't wait to see what you write in the future!
I love that you decided to do your storybook over mermaids. If I did a storybook, it would have been over the same thing! I am very interested in mermaids and sirens and I find all of those stories very fascinating. Your introduction really pulled me in and kept me reading and wanting more. I can’t wait to find out whether they will be a mermaid or a siren and what the tests include. The transitions from paragraph to paragraph were very smooth and everything flowed very well. Creating the mood of mystery and adding a cliffhanger at the end to keep the reader on their toes is always a nice touch, too. I’m also interested in your story because it differs from the normal mermaid story about finding a prince charming or conversing with other humans and focuses on mermaids and sirens interacting with each other. The image gave me a great idea about the tone of the story. It looks mysterious with a little hope but also some darkness, too. Great job and I can’t wait to read more about it!
I have just a couple things. First, I absolutely love how descriptive you were in your introduction. I felt like I could picture what was happening underneath the sea. It gave me the chills.
Secondly, I don't know what a siren or muse is. I am sorry. I know it will work in the story for sure based off of your effort, but I would give a short explanation for each. Oh I think I just found it! lol
Okay, in that explanation at the end for what they will turn into based on their performance in a test, it got a little confusing. Is the temptress killer the mermaid or the siren? The same question applies to the other character description. So, just re-write it in a way where it is clear what description fits a mermaid and siren.
Other than these suggestions, I loved it. I will definitely be reading your storybook in the future. You have a great imagination!
I really love a nice minty color but I had some difficulty reading your labels because of this. It is a little too light and doesn’t stand out against the background. A darker background color, like black, would definitely help with that and make the text really pop. I’m just not sure if that’s something that can be changed though!
Really nice introduction! You provided a really good set up for the stories that you will be telling and grabbed the reader’s attention. I’m certainly intrigued as to what you will be writing about. Starting with a very broad detail of sirens and mermaids provides a good background for the story you are setting up with Mirren and Laeli. I chose to do my storybook over mermaids as well! I think they are such an interesting topic and there are so many ways you can go about telling stories about them.
The image on your home page is a really beautiful one! Aesthetically you did a nice job of putting together a blog that went along with your underwater theme.
Since we are doing similar topics I am interested to see how your storybook will progress over the course of the rest of the semester! I’ll definitely be checking it out!
Hey Amanda, I really like the topic you have chosen regarding sirens. Your introduction to the topic was also very excellent. Sirens are very mythical creatures that are somewhat unknown of so it will be very interesting to see what you have to tell about them. I also like the descriptive language you use when describing the sirens and what they do. The layout to your storybook also helps out give the feeling of being underwater so I give you brownie points for that. I am very excited to see what will become of Mirren and Laeli as they go through the test that decides what they become. Also a question that I have is mermaids are peaceful creatures in comparison to mermaids correct? Overall good job Amanda I am very excited to see the end product of this interesting topic you chose.
Hey Amanda! The imagery in your introduction is beautiful. I really liked the rhyming aspect at the end of the first paragraph. You've done a great job of setting your story up. I like how you give a little history about sirens and mermaids, but then you bring the reader to a current situation. I'm definitely interested in seeing where it goes. The only thing you might give a little more detail on, is where Mirren and Laeli are right now and why they are facing this test. The artwork you chose for each of your pages is absolutely stunning! I think it really puts the reader in the mindset to read your stories and it gives a great visual. At the beginning of the second paragraph I didn't quite understand the sentence — "For centuries there have warnings against..." I think you must have left out a word. Anyway, overall I was very impressed by your storybook. I look forward to seeing how it progresses!
I was really excited when I opened your storybook and saw that mermaids were the theme. I love your set up and the tone you’ve created, not just with your words, but also with the pictures and the colors you’re using.
I like how you talk about the differences between mermaids and sirens and their history.
However, your intro gets confusing once you talk about Mirren and Laeli. There should be some sort of build up as to who they are and how they fit into the narrative. I can infer from the rest of the intro what’s going on, but even then I’m not positive.
Also, I’m not sure if this was intentional or not, but it looks like your pages might be out of order? Or if you just want two pages filled with pictures, I don’t know. If you need help with the google sites, I’m more than willing to meet with you and help you figure it out! It’s just that I’ve been kinda clicking around and I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking at.
Best of luck and let me know if you need help or anything!
Hi there! I like sea creatures, so your homepage caught my attention. It is nice how you decide to tell a story as to how one becomes a mermaid versus a siren. I would like to see in the future why the method/rite of passage for choosing a life path has changed from the past till now. Also, I like how detailed the storybook title is. But I would suggest to you to shorten it, since most would just take a glimpse at it and not read the entire thing. On a positive note, I like the photos that you have chosen, and how similar they are to one another in the introduction! I would maybe center them instead of having them towards the left side. But good job with the start of it! I'm interested to see where this goes :)
HI Amanda, I love the concept of mermaids and I think you went a really cool direction with it. Your title is awesome. It doesn't give it away that it is about mermaids, but it sparks enough intrigue to get people interested. It definitely caught my attention. Your images are also wonderful. They are very interesting, and depict the mystical tone you are going for. I think your writing was awesome. You do a very good job of creating images and explaining emotions. Your take on mermaids is so interesting and I can't wait to see which direction your story will go. Good job!
I find the premise of your storybook so intriguing. I think the idea of a test in morality determining whether a sea creature becomes a mermaid or a siren is really interesting. It makes perfect sense! Kudos to you on originality. I really liked your intro and I love that your storybook layout reflects the “under the sea” theme.
In your second story I like how you use a lot of figurative language in your writing. However, I feel like some of it doesn’t add to your story as a whole so it could be cut down! You have such an awesome concept maybe try and don’t let it get lost in an overload of details.
The pictures you have used are absolutely breathtaking. I mean your writing about mermaids so obviously there’s a lot of already beautiful pictures to choose from but I still really REALLy like your pictures.
Hey Amanda, I'm back again! When I read your introduction I was ready to read your first story and I was not disappointed. Your first story was a great snippet of what is to come. This sentence is absolutely amazing: "They were two sides of the same coin, a mirror’s twist on a single soul, perfectly identical in every way that mattered."
I like the sentence about Mirren and Laeli being the same, but when you proceed to describe them they seem completely different. Maybe add in where their personalities started to diverge. I understand what you're trying to say in this sentence, but it's kind messy. I made a suggestion, but you can take it or leave it: "The days became less filled with explorations and instead [were crammed full of ] training sessions." Can these mermaids talk under water or are they speaking telepathically?
Overall I think you did a great job on your first story and I look forward to seeing where else you take your storybook!
Hello Amanda, I really liked the title of your storybook and honestly that is why I chose this. You did not disappoint! I like who your background is water and the shore. It helped me imagine that I was reading this wile staring out into the sea wondering what was truly in the depths of those waters. Your introduction does a fantastic job helping the reader know that there is a difference between mermaids and sirens. I believe that many would often just assume that they are one and the same, but you showed that sirens live in agony, while mermaids live in happiness. I think it was an interesting twist to say that mermaids must undergo a test that will determine whether or not they become a beautiful mermaid that will live happily or if they will become a siren bent upon murdering anyone they can. After reading about the twin sisters I look forward to seeing what lies ahead of the two sisters and their journey that decides their fate!
I am glad that we were grouped together this week. What a great storybook! Immediately I fell like everything about your storybook is telling a story. Your page layout sets a very calm tone and it almost makes me hear the water coming out to the shore. Your introduction is amazing! When I was reading it I really did feel like someone was right in front me asking me to imagine the water and the mystery lying within it. I love how calm yet twisted this story is. The tension between being a mermaid or siren makes this really great. I think that it is a common misconception that these two creatures are the same thing but I am sure that through your stories we will see otherwise. This makes make think of the "good sister bad sister" thing that a lot of people say about twins of siblings. Great start I am excited to read the rest of your storybook!
Hey Amanda, So reading your story the Mermaid’s twin sister made realize that in reality there is always that twin who is more home bound and like to read instead of go out and be adventurous. I say this because most of the twins I know are exactly as the ones in your story. The ways you described each twin and their personality was very clear and good! You did an excellent job defining who is who in the story. I also really like the plot of your story in where the twins are about to take the test to become either a siren or a mermaid. Of course the twin sister tells Mirren that they should leave because everyone is expecting them to take the test. Overall I really did enjoy this story and thought you did an excellent job on writing it. I am excited to see the rest of your storybook! Keep up the good work!
Hey Amanda! What a fantastic storybook! I love how you are writing the story of two sisters who are so drastically different in personality but strikingly similar in looks. It really gives the story a different feel from the other storybooks that I have been reading.
I really like the background that you chose for your storybook. It definitely gives the stories the right feel and makes me envisage the environment that the sisters are in. The colors you chose for the boxes were a great compliment as well!
I think you might want to up the size of your font for both the story and the author’s note. I know the size difference between the two is helpful, so you might up them both one size to keep the difference but make it more readable. I really had to focus to be able to read the note at the end. Beyond that, I think your story was great and I look forward to reading the rest as you post them!
I really love your layout! It is very different from all of the other storybooks I have seen so far! Your colors go very well together, and everything seems to just fit perfectly. I like that your font for the storybook navigation is different than most as well! It makes it much easier to see where to click to navigate and where your story is. As far as your story goes, I loved it! I think you portrayed how twins really are! I grew up with two best friends that were twins, and when we were young, one would always cry and want to go home during sleepovers and the other would be fine. I think its normal for one to be more outgoing than the other! You also had great description in your writing. Very well done! The only change I would make is the font size of the author’s note. I really like to read those because I like to understand where the author is coming from, but I really struggled to read yours because it was so small.
Hi again! I decided to revisit your storybook since I enjoyed it so much the first time around!
Okay! So! When it comes to this storybook, is there any way you can make the font bigger? I have 20/20 vision and I struggle in reading this. Others could be having difficulties with it as well and not be saying anything.
Also, just do a quick grammar check before publishing. You caught most of the errors, but Laeli's name was spelled wrong once, so that is something I would go back and fix before publishing your next story.
I think that you diction is phenomenal, which is why I keep coming back. Good job once again, and I cannot wait to read more!
Hi Amanda, First, I would like to say that I really like your cover page. The background of the sparkling blue background behind the picture of the mermaid were a really nice touch. Sort of like the differentiation of light and dark which goes very well with your theme. The text and color scheme makes your readings very legible and I think it is cool that you have two ways to navigate through your story book. I really enjoyed reading your introduction tremendously. Your first paragraph really sucked me in. It also tells us more about what your story book is really about: sirens vs mermaids. It will also be interesting to see which of the two main characters, Mirren or Laeli will end up being a siren or a mermaid. The pictures you chose to tell your tale was also very captivating. The only thing I noticed is that although it has a caption, it is missing the source. Overall, I think your story book is going very well and I cannot wait to read more!
By the title name of the Differentiation Between Good and Evil: A Story of the Underwater, I had a feeling this story was going to be about mermaids. I love mermaid stories so this caught my attention. You did a great job on the background of your blog. This really sets the tone and mood for the type of story to come. I like how you started off the story with questions to engage the reader. This always keeps my attention when I’m reading too because it makes me think. I read Welcome to the Water and this was a great introduction to many more stories from sea creatures to come. I enjoyed your explanation on the mermaids or sirens and how they can decide on their seventeenth birthday. Your story flowed really well and I liked the breaking up of the paragraphs for an easier read. Your word choice was simple and easy-to-read, which is always good for a light and enjoyable read. Keep up the good work and I can’t wait to read more stories from your storybook.
• Ooo, I love this poem. It really helps to set the scene!
• The center alignment of the story is kinda distracting – I’m looking for ways it ties into the story, but I can’t really find one? Be careful not to over-format your story, you wind up detracting from your words, like you’re not letting them speak for themselves.
• “The preparations had begun.” Oh, nooo. Ending a paragraph with a short little sentence like that is a nice little punch. (This paragraph is a bit long, though. I’d introduce a new paragraph at “But slowly…” and just cut the “but” – that way you’re bringing in a new topic.)
• “easily ignorable” is weird to read – maybe try “easily ignored”?
• I like you use of “whisper yelled” – contrast like that is a lot of fun!
• Haha, I love the silent communication between the sisters. My own sister and I can have full conversations without saying a word! This is a great way to flesh out your characters.
• This next paragraph is another long one.
• Oh, wait – so the guards were there to keep them in for that day/week? Or are they there continually?
This is overall a nice chapter – you were able to begin filling in the lines of the characters really well.
Oh my gosh! That was crazy! I really liked your story. You are always so descriptive and it helps the reader so much because it puts our brains to work. That is a good thing because I get bored easily whenever I read sometimes, but not with your work. You do such a great job in describing the action that I keep wondering what is going to happen next. That is what you want for sure as a writer.
Laeli and Mirren are two very interesting characters. Great choice because I cannot think of a more intense relationship. I see on movies all the time a dad who beat his son or mom who doesn't care about her children, but this relationship is extremely personal that you chose.
Lastly, I love your layout. It is not the same thing over and over again and keeps me guessing. I like that every time a reader comes to your site they will see something different.
Hi Amanda. I really like your storybook concept. Using a test to determine if the sisters will become a mermaid or a siren is a very creative concept. You started the story of with a great conflict. I also really enjoyed the way your characters, Mirren and Laeli, interacted. The detailed description and realistic dialog is very engaging. Your storybook design is also beautiful. I love your background and color choices. You also chose a beautiful image of mermaids to compliment it although it would be really awesome if you could find an image of twin mermaids. Using poetry to open your chapters is ingenious. It makes your storybook unique and it’s a great way to be creative. It’s also an awesome use of foreshadowing. I’m really looking forward to reading about the fate of the sisters. I agree with the commenter above that the centered formatting is a little distracting. Maybe you could leave the poem centered but change the story text alignment. I would love to more hints about what the test entails. Why are the sisters being confined to their home? I didn’t catch that until the very end. Overall your storybook looks awesome. It’s going to be awesome once you get it all finished. I can’t wait to read more.
Hi Amanda, First of all I really like your topic, mermaids are very mysterious and cool and I think you made an awesome choice in picking them for your topic. I really like the background picture that you chose because it makes you feel like you are actually in the water and the color scheme of your blog really compliments it nicely. The graphics that you chose are also very visually pleasing, I think it really adds some flair to the blog and gives people an idea of what kind of mermaids that you are envisioning as you write these stories. I think that your first story laid out what the rest of the stories will be like and I found that to be really helpful. I think you made a wise choice in the style that you wrote it in and I’m very excited to read the rest of your stories. Good job!
I loved reading your stories so much that I just had to come back to see what else you had come up with for this week. Your stories about the twin sisters are so intense and so intricate, which is amazing considering that you have a word limit!
Your story, The Twins’ Choice, was just as amazing as your introduction and first story. I loved that you had them travelling further and further into the darkness, which kind of reflects their mindset at this point in the story! The inclusion of Puck as their light source in the darkness was cool too. It reminds me of Squishy from Finding Nemo.
I love where you are going with these stories and I cannot wait to see where you are headed next. You are such a great writer, I didn’t even see any grammatical or flow errors. I am looking forward to returning to your storybook in the future!
Hi Amanda! I have chosen to read your storybook for extra credit this week. It is the second one I read today that pointed out that Mermaids are not the same as Sirens and how it relates back to Demeter throwing her fit. I enjoyed your storybook very much. I love how you have a page just for pictures of the lovely images you have chosen. The differing backgrounds are really fun! I like on the comment page the image of the big hand and how it represents the reader! Your stories are a lot of fun to read! How unique to choose to write about twin mermaids! I had not ever even thought about that before your story. I think you have done a great job of telling a coming of age story where the sisters have to make changes and choices and it is scary, like the dark image you chose to use in the story of The Twins' Choice.
Hi Amanda, This is my second time visiting your story book and I am so glad you were able to write two more stories. I am glad you added the sources to your images in the introduction for they were truly amazing and goes really well with your storybook. I loved your stories so much I wanted to read more of it. I am really impressed with your writing skill. The poems that you start off with each page are wonderful. In “The Mermaid’s Twin Sister”, your first paragraph really intrigued me and like the people of Mor, I too wondered about how the twins were going to do. The only critique I could think of is maybe there should be a comma after grew in the sentence, “As they grew”. I am not sure it was just weird to read. I do however, really like that you added a backstory before you dived in to the dynamics of Laeli and Mirren. I love that even though they look like, the pair are very different and the cliffhanger in the end.
Your storybook is so serene and I love the feeling and tone that the water background and the soft colors sets for the whole storybook. The beginning of your story was fabulous! I love that you went front italicized font to preface the story and then moved to a regular font for the body of the story.
Your word choice in this story was fabulous, too. Many people are scared to use the level of vocabulary you used in every day blog writing but I think you did a phenomenal job!
I like that you gave a background of the twin’s personality, too. This made me understand the situations a little bit better and follow along. It might have been better to start with that, but this was still such a good read.
The image you chose really helped paint the picture of the mermaids in my head so I could visualize everything going on with the image of the mermaids in my head.
Hey Amanda, I read the Twins' choice this week! I think starting off the story with a poem type thing was perfect. It immediately drew me into the story and I began to wonder what the words could mean. My favorite character is Puck! I think he adds a little quirk to the story that makes it unique. My favorite part of the story was when Laeli concentrates on him while she is freaking out. I think the cliffhanger and the picture combination at the end of the story was excellent. It left off with an ominous feeling for the next story. I'm interested in the dynamics of these sisters and I can't wait to find out what happens! I didn't notice any grammar mistakes, so well done. The story flows well and the paragraph breaks make for easy reading. Good job, I'll be checking in for the rest of your storybook!
Hi Amanda! I am so happy to revisit your story because I was wondering if the twins were going to leave sight of the council or not. I think that you did a great job with this story (The Twin's Choice) because I could not stop reading it! I find that I can relate to it since I myself have three sisters. So Laeli's thought process mirrors one that I have had before. When it comes to the author's note, I like how it didn't read as super factual and blah. Rather, you made it simplified and easy to see how the Native American story was the basis for your tale. You did a great job once more, and I can't wait to see what else you have to write!!
Hi Amanda, I just wanted to stop by and give you some love on all the work you have put in this semester! I think your story book is amazing and I am awestruck by your writing abilities. Your first post I read was your introduction during the beginning weeks of this semester and remembered that you wanted to specialize in the psychological aspect of eating disorders. You are truly inspiring and thank you for all that you do!
Hey Amanda, We have been together in groups a few times and now since the semester is close to an end I just want to let you know how much I have enjoyed reading your stories and also your introduction. It was really cool to get a look inside your life and what you're studying and your favorite things and such and it really helps understand your writing style and why you write some of the things that you do. I really enjoyed reading your stories and you made it that way with the style that you write in! Good job!
“The Twins’ Choice” Hi Amanda! I wanted to revisit your storybook before the end of semester and find out more about Laeli and Mirren. I really liked the moment in the story when Laeli overcame her anxiety to comfort Mirren. Sometimes the best way to take care of yourself is by taking care of others. I thought this could be a genuine moment between sisters. My only comment is that not much really happened in this part of the story. They are fleeing, befriend a fish, and the narration tells us that the cannot flee fate no matter how far they go.
“The choices of the Sea” I was shocked when Laeli took the initiative to explore the cave. It was a little out of character for the timid twin! In the second part of this story you repeat light twice in one sentence. “The inside of the cave was dark even with the light of Puck casting a soft light upon the narrow rock walls.” Maybe you could change the second light to glow. “She walked the corridor…” Maybe change walked to swam? It threw me off a little bit that you kept using the word walked when they are mermaid. I really enjoyed how you described Mirren’s feelings and observations. I think you did a great job with that. Wait they didn’t have fins already? Whoa, I wasn’t expecting that. I didn’t realize that the transformation to mermaid or siren was a physical one. Did you say that the girls had legs in the first few stories?
“The Endless Fate” Wow! I was so surprised at the transformation of the sisters. Everything so far had indicated that Laeli would be more of a mermaid and Mirren the siren. It seems like this change was completely beyond their control and not the result of their choices in life. Definitely Fate! That last twist was really quick! So Mirren sacrificed herself so that Laeli wouldn’t be a siren. Is that what happened? Maybe you could add something in about Mirren seeing the change in her sister and wanting to do something to stop it. I just felt like it could use a bit more detail because it happened so quickly.
I think you did a wonderful job on your storybook and really created your own story. Your inspirations had very little to do with your storyline and that’s just fine! I like that this all came from your own imagination and I think you did a great job of creating realistic and deep characters.
Hi! I love your blog layout! Hummingbirds are such bad asses (pardon my language) and the gray and green work so beautifully! I flicked through a few of your posts and saw that you were planning to do some work on sirens and mermaids - that's so cool! I wish you the best of luck with that and can't wait to see what you come up with!
ReplyDeleteHello Amanda!
ReplyDeleteToday, I read what you have so far on your storybook and I am very impressed! First of all, I love the layout and design you chose. I think it compliments your theme really well. At the beginning of your story, I was really rawn in. You made the first paragraph mysterious, and almost eerie. It reminded me how I probably would feel if I was sinking deeper and deeper into the ocean, so if that's what you were going for then awesome! The use of rhetorical questions is useful. Your choice of words are really great, I love the description you used of describe not only the ocean, but the mermaids and sirens as well. I already am wanting to know what you are planning on writing next. The one sentence that was separated form the rest stands out and it is really effective to make your point that things have changed. I thought about doing a storybook about mermaids. It seems like you have a really good basis for what the rest of your project is going to look like. Can't wait to see what you write in the future!
Hey Amanda,
ReplyDeleteI love that you decided to do your storybook over mermaids. If I did a storybook, it would have been over the same thing! I am very interested in mermaids and sirens and I find all of those stories very fascinating. Your introduction really pulled me in and kept me reading and wanting more. I can’t wait to find out whether they will be a mermaid or a siren and what the tests include. The transitions from paragraph to paragraph were very smooth and everything flowed very well. Creating the mood of mystery and adding a cliffhanger at the end to keep the reader on their toes is always a nice touch, too. I’m also interested in your story because it differs from the normal mermaid story about finding a prince charming or conversing with other humans and focuses on mermaids and sirens interacting with each other. The image gave me a great idea about the tone of the story. It looks mysterious with a little hope but also some darkness, too. Great job and I can’t wait to read more about it!
I have just a couple things. First, I absolutely love how descriptive you were in your introduction. I felt like I could picture what was happening underneath the sea. It gave me the chills.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I don't know what a siren or muse is. I am sorry. I know it will work in the story for sure based off of your effort, but I would give a short explanation for each. Oh I think I just found it! lol
Okay, in that explanation at the end for what they will turn into based on their performance in a test, it got a little confusing. Is the temptress killer the mermaid or the siren? The same question applies to the other character description. So, just re-write it in a way where it is clear what description fits a mermaid and siren.
Other than these suggestions, I loved it. I will definitely be reading your storybook in the future. You have a great imagination!
I really love a nice minty color but I had some difficulty reading your labels because of this. It is a little too light and doesn’t stand out against the background. A darker background color, like black, would definitely help with that and make the text really pop. I’m just not sure if that’s something that can be changed though!
ReplyDeleteReally nice introduction! You provided a really good set up for the stories that you will be telling and grabbed the reader’s attention. I’m certainly intrigued as to what you will be writing about. Starting with a very broad detail of sirens and mermaids provides a good background for the story you are setting up with Mirren and Laeli. I chose to do my storybook over mermaids as well! I think they are such an interesting topic and there are so many ways you can go about telling stories about them.
ReplyDeleteThe image on your home page is a really beautiful one! Aesthetically you did a nice job of putting together a blog that went along with your underwater theme.
Since we are doing similar topics I am interested to see how your storybook will progress over the course of the rest of the semester! I’ll definitely be checking it out!
Hey Amanda, I really like the topic you have chosen regarding sirens. Your introduction to the topic was also very excellent. Sirens are very mythical creatures that are somewhat unknown of so it will be very interesting to see what you have to tell about them. I also like the descriptive language you use when describing the sirens and what they do. The layout to your storybook also helps out give the feeling of being underwater so I give you brownie points for that. I am very excited to see what will become of Mirren and Laeli as they go through the test that decides what they become. Also a question that I have is mermaids are peaceful creatures in comparison to mermaids correct? Overall good job Amanda I am very excited to see the end product of this interesting topic you chose.
ReplyDeleteHey Amanda! The imagery in your introduction is beautiful. I really liked the rhyming aspect at the end of the first paragraph. You've done a great job of setting your story up. I like how you give a little history about sirens and mermaids, but then you bring the reader to a current situation. I'm definitely interested in seeing where it goes. The only thing you might give a little more detail on, is where Mirren and Laeli are right now and why they are facing this test. The artwork you chose for each of your pages is absolutely stunning! I think it really puts the reader in the mindset to read your stories and it gives a great visual. At the beginning of the second paragraph I didn't quite understand the sentence — "For centuries there have warnings against..." I think you must have left out a word. Anyway, overall I was very impressed by your storybook. I look forward to seeing how it progresses!
ReplyDeleteHey, Amanda,
ReplyDeleteI was really excited when I opened your storybook and saw that mermaids were the theme. I love your set up and the tone you’ve created, not just with your words, but also with the pictures and the colors you’re using.
I like how you talk about the differences between mermaids and sirens and their history.
However, your intro gets confusing once you talk about Mirren and Laeli. There should be some sort of build up as to who they are and how they fit into the narrative. I can infer from the rest of the intro what’s going on, but even then I’m not positive.
Also, I’m not sure if this was intentional or not, but it looks like your pages might be out of order? Or if you just want two pages filled with pictures, I don’t know. If you need help with the google sites, I’m more than willing to meet with you and help you figure it out! It’s just that I’ve been kinda clicking around and I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking at.
Best of luck and let me know if you need help or anything!
-Kirsten
Hi there! I like sea creatures, so your homepage caught my attention. It is nice how you decide to tell a story as to how one becomes a mermaid versus a siren. I would like to see in the future why the method/rite of passage for choosing a life path has changed from the past till now. Also, I like how detailed the storybook title is. But I would suggest to you to shorten it, since most would just take a glimpse at it and not read the entire thing. On a positive note, I like the photos that you have chosen, and how similar they are to one another in the introduction! I would maybe center them instead of having them towards the left side. But good job with the start of it! I'm interested to see where this goes :)
ReplyDeleteHI Amanda,
ReplyDeleteI love the concept of mermaids and I think you went a really cool direction with it. Your title is awesome. It doesn't give it away that it is about mermaids, but it sparks enough intrigue to get people interested. It definitely caught my attention. Your images are also wonderful. They are very interesting, and depict the mystical tone you are going for. I think your writing was awesome. You do a very good job of creating images and explaining emotions. Your take on mermaids is so interesting and I can't wait to see which direction your story will go. Good job!
Hi Amanda!
ReplyDeleteI find the premise of your storybook so intriguing. I think the idea of a test in morality determining whether a sea creature becomes a mermaid or a siren is really interesting. It makes perfect sense! Kudos to you on originality. I really liked your intro and I love that your storybook layout reflects the “under the sea” theme.
In your second story I like how you use a lot of figurative language in your writing. However, I feel like some of it doesn’t add to your story as a whole so it could be cut down! You have such an awesome concept maybe try and don’t let it get lost in an overload of details.
The pictures you have used are absolutely breathtaking. I mean your writing about mermaids so obviously there’s a lot of already beautiful pictures to choose from but I still really REALLy like your pictures.
Hey Amanda, I'm back again! When I read your introduction I was ready to read your first story and I was not disappointed. Your first story was a great snippet of what is to come. This sentence is absolutely amazing: "They were two sides of the same coin, a mirror’s twist on a single soul, perfectly identical in every way that mattered."
ReplyDeleteI like the sentence about Mirren and Laeli being the same, but when you proceed to describe them they seem completely different. Maybe add in where their personalities started to diverge. I understand what you're trying to say in this sentence, but it's kind messy. I made a suggestion, but you can take it or leave it: "The days became less filled with explorations and instead [were crammed full of ] training sessions." Can these mermaids talk under water or are they speaking telepathically?
Overall I think you did a great job on your first story and I look forward to seeing where else you take your storybook!
Hello Amanda,
ReplyDeleteI really liked the title of your storybook and honestly that is why I chose this. You did not disappoint! I like who your background is water and the shore. It helped me imagine that I was reading this wile staring out into the sea wondering what was truly in the depths of those waters. Your introduction does a fantastic job helping the reader know that there is a difference between mermaids and sirens. I believe that many would often just assume that they are one and the same, but you showed that sirens live in agony, while mermaids live in happiness. I think it was an interesting twist to say that mermaids must undergo a test that will determine whether or not they become a beautiful mermaid that will live happily or if they will become a siren bent upon murdering anyone they can. After reading about the twin sisters I look forward to seeing what lies ahead of the two sisters and their journey that decides their fate!
Amanda,
ReplyDeleteI am glad that we were grouped together this week. What a great storybook! Immediately I fell like everything about your storybook is telling a story. Your page layout sets a very calm tone and it almost makes me hear the water coming out to the shore. Your introduction is amazing! When I was reading it I really did feel like someone was right in front me asking me to imagine the water and the mystery lying within it. I love how calm yet twisted this story is. The tension between being a mermaid or siren makes this really great.
I think that it is a common misconception that these two creatures are the same thing but I am sure that through your stories we will see otherwise. This makes make think of the "good sister bad sister" thing that a lot of people say about twins of siblings. Great start I am excited to read the rest of your storybook!
Hey Amanda, So reading your story the Mermaid’s twin sister made realize that in reality there is always that twin who is more home bound and like to read instead of go out and be adventurous. I say this because most of the twins I know are exactly as the ones in your story. The ways you described each twin and their personality was very clear and good! You did an excellent job defining who is who in the story. I also really like the plot of your story in where the twins are about to take the test to become either a siren or a mermaid. Of course the twin sister tells Mirren that they should leave because everyone is expecting them to take the test. Overall I really did enjoy this story and thought you did an excellent job on writing it. I am excited to see the rest of your storybook! Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteHey Amanda! What a fantastic storybook! I love how you are writing the story of two sisters who are so drastically different in personality but strikingly similar in looks. It really gives the story a different feel from the other storybooks that I have been reading.
ReplyDeleteI really like the background that you chose for your storybook. It definitely gives the stories the right feel and makes me envisage the environment that the sisters are in. The colors you chose for the boxes were a great compliment as well!
I think you might want to up the size of your font for both the story and the author’s note. I know the size difference between the two is helpful, so you might up them both one size to keep the difference but make it more readable. I really had to focus to be able to read the note at the end.
Beyond that, I think your story was great and I look forward to reading the rest as you post them!
I really love your layout! It is very different from all of the other storybooks I have seen so far! Your colors go very well together, and everything seems to just fit perfectly. I like that your font for the storybook navigation is different than most as well! It makes it much easier to see where to click to navigate and where your story is.
ReplyDeleteAs far as your story goes, I loved it! I think you portrayed how twins really are! I grew up with two best friends that were twins, and when we were young, one would always cry and want to go home during sleepovers and the other would be fine. I think its normal for one to be more outgoing than the other! You also had great description in your writing. Very well done!
The only change I would make is the font size of the author’s note. I really like to read those because I like to understand where the author is coming from, but I really struggled to read yours because it was so small.
Hi again! I decided to revisit your storybook since I enjoyed it so much the first time around!
ReplyDeleteOkay! So! When it comes to this storybook, is there any way you can make the font bigger? I have 20/20 vision and I struggle in reading this. Others could be having difficulties with it as well and not be saying anything.
Also, just do a quick grammar check before publishing. You caught most of the errors, but Laeli's name was spelled wrong once, so that is something I would go back and fix before publishing your next story.
I think that you diction is phenomenal, which is why I keep coming back. Good job once again, and I cannot wait to read more!
Hi Amanda,
ReplyDeleteFirst, I would like to say that I really like your cover page. The background of the sparkling blue background behind the picture of the mermaid were a really nice touch. Sort of like the differentiation of light and dark which goes very well with your theme. The text and color scheme makes your readings very legible and I think it is cool that you have two ways to navigate through your story book. I really enjoyed reading your introduction tremendously. Your first paragraph really sucked me in. It also tells us more about what your story book is really about: sirens vs mermaids. It will also be interesting to see which of the two main characters, Mirren or Laeli will end up being a siren or a mermaid. The pictures you chose to tell your tale was also very captivating. The only thing I noticed is that although it has a caption, it is missing the source. Overall, I think your story book is going very well and I cannot wait to read more!
Hi Amanda,
ReplyDeleteBy the title name of the Differentiation Between Good and Evil: A Story of the Underwater, I had a feeling this story was going to be about mermaids. I love mermaid stories so this caught my attention. You did a great job on the background of your blog. This really sets the tone and mood for the type of story to come. I like how you started off the story with questions to engage the reader. This always keeps my attention when I’m reading too because it makes me think. I read Welcome to the Water and this was a great introduction to many more stories from sea creatures to come. I enjoyed your explanation on the mermaids or sirens and how they can decide on their seventeenth birthday. Your story flowed really well and I liked the breaking up of the paragraphs for an easier read. Your word choice was simple and easy-to-read, which is always good for a light and enjoyable read. Keep up the good work and I can’t wait to read more stories from your storybook.
Hey, Amanda! Thoughts as I read:
ReplyDelete• Ooo, I love this poem. It really helps to set the scene!
• The center alignment of the story is kinda distracting – I’m looking for ways it ties into the story, but I can’t really find one? Be careful not to over-format your story, you wind up detracting from your words, like you’re not letting them speak for themselves.
• “The preparations had begun.” Oh, nooo. Ending a paragraph with a short little sentence like that is a nice little punch. (This paragraph is a bit long, though. I’d introduce a new paragraph at “But slowly…” and just cut the “but” – that way you’re bringing in a new topic.)
• “easily ignorable” is weird to read – maybe try “easily ignored”?
• I like you use of “whisper yelled” – contrast like that is a lot of fun!
• Haha, I love the silent communication between the sisters. My own sister and I can have full conversations without saying a word! This is a great way to flesh out your characters.
• This next paragraph is another long one.
• Oh, wait – so the guards were there to keep them in for that day/week? Or are they there continually?
This is overall a nice chapter – you were able to begin filling in the lines of the characters really well.
Oh my gosh! That was crazy! I really liked your story. You are always so descriptive and it helps the reader so much because it puts our brains to work. That is a good thing because I get bored easily whenever I read sometimes, but not with your work. You do such a great job in describing the action that I keep wondering what is going to happen next. That is what you want for sure as a writer.
ReplyDeleteLaeli and Mirren are two very interesting characters. Great choice because I cannot think of a more intense relationship. I see on movies all the time a dad who beat his son or mom who doesn't care about her children, but this relationship is extremely personal that you chose.
Lastly, I love your layout. It is not the same thing over and over again and keeps me guessing. I like that every time a reader comes to your site they will see something different.
Hi Amanda. I really like your storybook concept. Using a test to determine if the sisters will become a mermaid or a siren is a very creative concept. You started the story of with a great conflict. I also really enjoyed the way your characters, Mirren and Laeli, interacted. The detailed description and realistic dialog is very engaging.
ReplyDeleteYour storybook design is also beautiful. I love your background and color choices. You also chose a beautiful image of mermaids to compliment it although it would be really awesome if you could find an image of twin mermaids.
Using poetry to open your chapters is ingenious. It makes your storybook unique and it’s a great way to be creative. It’s also an awesome use of foreshadowing. I’m really looking forward to reading about the fate of the sisters.
I agree with the commenter above that the centered formatting is a little distracting. Maybe you could leave the poem centered but change the story text alignment. I would love to more hints about what the test entails. Why are the sisters being confined to their home? I didn’t catch that until the very end.
Overall your storybook looks awesome. It’s going to be awesome once you get it all finished. I can’t wait to read more.
Hi Amanda,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all I really like your topic, mermaids are very mysterious and cool and I think you made an awesome choice in picking them for your topic. I really like the background picture that you chose because it makes you feel like you are actually in the water and the color scheme of your blog really compliments it nicely. The graphics that you chose are also very visually pleasing, I think it really adds some flair to the blog and gives people an idea of what kind of mermaids that you are envisioning as you write these stories. I think that your first story laid out what the rest of the stories will be like and I found that to be really helpful. I think you made a wise choice in the style that you wrote it in and I’m very excited to read the rest of your stories. Good job!
Hi again Amanda!
ReplyDeleteI loved reading your stories so much that I just had to come back to see what else you had come up with for this week. Your stories about the twin sisters are so intense and so intricate, which is amazing considering that you have a word limit!
Your story, The Twins’ Choice, was just as amazing as your introduction and first story. I loved that you had them travelling further and further into the darkness, which kind of reflects their mindset at this point in the story! The inclusion of Puck as their light source in the darkness was cool too. It reminds me of Squishy from Finding Nemo.
I love where you are going with these stories and I cannot wait to see where you are headed next. You are such a great writer, I didn’t even see any grammatical or flow errors. I am looking forward to returning to your storybook in the future!
Hi Amanda!
ReplyDeleteI have chosen to read your storybook for extra credit this week. It is the second one I read today that pointed out that Mermaids are not the same as Sirens and how it relates back to Demeter throwing her fit. I enjoyed your storybook very much. I love how you have a page just for pictures of the lovely images you have chosen. The differing backgrounds are really fun! I like on the comment page the image of the big hand and how it represents the reader! Your stories are a lot of fun to read!
How unique to choose to write about twin mermaids! I had not ever even thought about that before your story. I think you have done a great job of telling a coming of age story where the sisters have to make changes and choices and it is scary, like the dark image you chose to use in the story of The Twins' Choice.
Hi Amanda,
ReplyDeleteThis is my second time visiting your story book and I am so glad you were able to write two more stories. I am glad you added the sources to your images in the introduction for they were truly amazing and goes really well with your storybook. I loved your stories so much I wanted to read more of it. I am really impressed with your writing skill. The poems that you start off with each page are wonderful. In “The Mermaid’s Twin Sister”, your first paragraph really intrigued me and like the people of Mor, I too wondered about how the twins were going to do. The only critique I could think of is maybe there should be a comma after grew in the sentence, “As they grew”. I am not sure it was just weird to read. I do however, really like that you added a backstory before you dived in to the dynamics of Laeli and Mirren. I love that even though they look like, the pair are very different and the cliffhanger in the end.
Hey Amanda,
ReplyDeleteYour storybook is so serene and I love the feeling and tone that the water background and the soft colors sets for the whole storybook. The beginning of your story was fabulous! I love that you went front italicized font to preface the story and then moved to a regular font for the body of the story.
Your word choice in this story was fabulous, too. Many people are scared to use the level of vocabulary you used in every day blog writing but I think you did a phenomenal job!
I like that you gave a background of the twin’s personality, too. This made me understand the situations a little bit better and follow along. It might have been better to start with that, but this was still such a good read.
The image you chose really helped paint the picture of the mermaids in my head so I could visualize everything going on with the image of the mermaids in my head.
Hey Amanda, I read the Twins' choice this week! I think starting off the story with a poem type thing was perfect. It immediately drew me into the story and I began to wonder what the words could mean. My favorite character is Puck! I think he adds a little quirk to the story that makes it unique. My favorite part of the story was when Laeli concentrates on him while she is freaking out. I think the cliffhanger and the picture combination at the end of the story was excellent. It left off with an ominous feeling for the next story. I'm interested in the dynamics of these sisters and I can't wait to find out what happens! I didn't notice any grammar mistakes, so well done. The story flows well and the paragraph breaks make for easy reading. Good job, I'll be checking in for the rest of your storybook!
ReplyDeleteHi Amanda! I am so happy to revisit your story because I was wondering if the twins were going to leave sight of the council or not. I think that you did a great job with this story (The Twin's Choice) because I could not stop reading it! I find that I can relate to it since I myself have three sisters. So Laeli's thought process mirrors one that I have had before. When it comes to the author's note, I like how it didn't read as super factual and blah. Rather, you made it simplified and easy to see how the Native American story was the basis for your tale. You did a great job once more, and I can't wait to see what else you have to write!!
ReplyDeleteHi Amanda,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to stop by and give you some love on all the work you have put in this semester! I think your story book is amazing and I am awestruck by your writing abilities. Your first post I read was your introduction during the beginning weeks of this semester and remembered that you wanted to specialize in the psychological aspect of eating disorders. You are truly inspiring and thank you for all that you do!
Hey Amanda,
ReplyDeleteWe have been together in groups a few times and now since the semester is close to an end I just want to let you know how much I have enjoyed reading your stories and also your introduction. It was really cool to get a look inside your life and what you're studying and your favorite things and such and it really helps understand your writing style and why you write some of the things that you do. I really enjoyed reading your stories and you made it that way with the style that you write in! Good job!
“The Twins’ Choice”
ReplyDeleteHi Amanda! I wanted to revisit your storybook before the end of semester and find out more about Laeli and Mirren. I really liked the moment in the story when Laeli overcame her anxiety to comfort Mirren. Sometimes the best way to take care of yourself is by taking care of others. I thought this could be a genuine moment between sisters. My only comment is that not much really happened in this part of the story. They are fleeing, befriend a fish, and the narration tells us that the cannot flee fate no matter how far they go.
“The choices of the Sea”
I was shocked when Laeli took the initiative to explore the cave. It was a little out of character for the timid twin! In the second part of this story you repeat light twice in one sentence. “The inside of the cave was dark even with the light of Puck casting a soft light upon the narrow rock walls.” Maybe you could change the second light to glow. “She walked the corridor…” Maybe change walked to swam? It threw me off a little bit that you kept using the word walked when they are mermaid. I really enjoyed how you described Mirren’s feelings and observations. I think you did a great job with that. Wait they didn’t have fins already? Whoa, I wasn’t expecting that. I didn’t realize that the transformation to mermaid or siren was a physical one. Did you say that the girls had legs in the first few stories?
“The Endless Fate”
Wow! I was so surprised at the transformation of the sisters. Everything so far had indicated that Laeli would be more of a mermaid and Mirren the siren. It seems like this change was completely beyond their control and not the result of their choices in life. Definitely Fate!
That last twist was really quick! So Mirren sacrificed herself so that Laeli wouldn’t be a siren. Is that what happened? Maybe you could add something in about Mirren seeing the change in her sister and wanting to do something to stop it. I just felt like it could use a bit more detail because it happened so quickly.
I think you did a wonderful job on your storybook and really created your own story. Your inspirations had very little to do with your storyline and that’s just fine! I like that this all came from your own imagination and I think you did a great job of creating realistic and deep characters.